I used to write so much.

Why did I stop?  And why, despite intentions I list every year in my NY resolutions, have I been reluctant to begin again?

I guess I have made some attempts – scribbled in various new notebooks hoping the smell of the clean crisp pages and the idea of a fresh start would inspire me.  It has not.

I write, and stop.  I try, and fail.

There is so much clutter and confusion in my head. There are thoughts I don’t want to confront and feelings I deny.  There is a scream I silence.  But sometimes it gets so loud and I hear it so clearly, and I’m so afraid that soon others will, too.

I am not living my preferred life.  It is not a story I feel proud to write, much less center, in.  It is not a story that I think reflects my heart or my values.

But I have spent little time reflecting on my heart and my values.  Come to think of it now, I am not so sure what I mean except that I think both have been neglected for too long.

I value independence and autonomy, team work and partnership.

I value friendship.

I value love. compassion. and honesty.  I value purity.

My heart was once full of care, hopes, and dreams.

But I feel so hushed.  I feel so small. I feel like a child whose wonder and innocence was stripped away.  What is left?  Feelings of incompetence, powerlessness, helplessness, and loneliness.

Will I ever shine again?

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Inspire me.

December 18, 2015

I’ve been looking for inspiration lately.  It’s not on Pinterest.  It’s missing something on Instagram.  And I know Facebook is empty.

I googled the Union Gospel Mission this morning.
And Covenant House.
And the Salvation Army.

But I was afraid, a bit nervous maybe, to dig deep into their websites.

I’ve been hesitant to dig deep into anything, for that matter.

I want to do.  I want to give.  I want to learn.  But I am held back.

Am I running on the spot?

Wisdom

September 5, 2015

You have seen your own strength.

You have seen your own beauty.

You have seen your golden wings.

Why do you worry?

– Rumi

This crazy thing.

June 24, 2014

I came across two James Baldwin quotes yesterday.  They led me to wonder if this was why I’ve been feeling so uncomfortable and uneasy in love, especially as of late.  I suppose, if Baldwin is correct, both growing up and uncovering what’s behind the mask are never easy.  I guess that’s the challenge.

Still I have to say, some days the idea sounds to me like complete and utter insanity.  And my awareness that I must not be the only one in the history of this world to feel this way only adds to my curiosity: how have so many people traversed pass their own rationality and every defense mechanism to partake in this?

“…Love is growing up”

Love-2

“Love takes off masks…”

 

It’s a crazy, crazy thing.  That’s all I know.

Love is not selfish– that much I know is true.  But does love have to be completely self-sacrificial? And if so, at what point does that become self-defeating and destructive?

Is there room for self preservation in this equation?

I want so much to spend my life with him. But… does that mean I need to let go of the kind of relationship that I want, the kind of lifestyle that I’ve looked forward to? And more importantly, does that mean that I’ve signed my life up to spend it lonely–that I will be alone in my own company more often than I will have his companionship, forever and ever? Will our partnership one day feel more like simply a legal document than a real life together?

Is this the risk I take if I stay with him?

In my mind (as extremely fatalistic as I am aware this sounds), this feels like a sentence…because, at least as it is right now, I see so clearly how it will play out. I see myself 10-20 years from now, with him but without him…alone, waiting for him to come home, him arriving with only a few minutes to spare me, and I go to sleep wondering who the stranger is beside me while he’s been long fast asleep; I lie there staring blankly at the walls wondering where our love went and how it got so lost in textbooks and lectures, residencies and what have you. I am so afraid of this picture. I am so afraid that we will lose what we have right now.  Isn’t it funny? The greater the love we have now, the more we have to lose.

Shoot me.

If he gets into school in Kelowna or Victoria, I know he will go. He promised me he wouldn’t, but I don’t know if he fully processed the implications of that when he said it so soon after the waitlist-email. And could I really really let him do that? Could I sleep well at night knowing that he was so close to his dream career, and I costed him that? Could I still claim that I love him if I went along with that?  I would really want him to take the opportunity, but I struggle with believing that I could be a part of that journey. I don’t think that’s where my life path leads. I wonder if that is the lesson in this.  Maybe part of loving someone is letting them go.. however much it hurts, however much it feels heart wrenching. Maybe that would be the only way for our love to be selfless and for me to be self preserving at the same time.

And as hard as this is on me, I know it must be harder for him.

I wish I could make it all better…I wish life was easier for him. It saddens me when I think about the obstacles he’s had to overcome.  And then there’s the part where sometimes I know I must be making it worse, because my own feelings and my own insecurities get mixed into the picture.

I think we both must be feeling so helpless.

Waiting, and waiting…

 

on love and marriage.

November 26, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be in love.  I wonder if I will ever find someone I could care for deeply, intensely, wholeheartedly and selflessly without reservation. And I wonder if I’ll ever meet someone who will care for me in that way. I wonder if I will ever meet someone who will want me the way I want to be wanted, care for me in a way I can’t begin to fathom, and treat me better than I think I deserve these days. I wonder if I will ever fully trust someone with my heart and my life, and if anyone will ever love me with everything he has.

I wonder if I’ll ever find love– a love so strong it could change the world, and nothing less. 

I try to suppress any thoughts on marriage that arise because the dream seems ever so out of reach, but… sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever walk down the aisle. I remember being 9 years old and already thinking to myself that somehow I would be the only girl that didn’t get the dream. Somehow, marriage has always been an idea that was seemingly unattainable to me–almost like a fantasy, almost like a unicorn. I wouldn’t be surprised if at 9 years old, I was smarter and wiser than I knew; perhaps at 9 years old, I already knew.

Hitting the brakes.

September 20, 2012

Yesterday RL announced on Facebook that he’s in a relationship.

I had to ask him about it. I know it’s none of my business; and I, too, have been in relationships  since he and I started hooking up and/or merely sleeping restfully together some nights. I know I couldn’t have used him as a security blanket–metaphorically and literally speaking–forever. But oh, I sure wanted to.

Apparently she is an Italian woman, about 40-something years old. Apparently they play Volleyball together.

I guess it’s true that we meet someone special, most often, through a mutual hobby. I guess this explains why I haven’t met anyone in person–as my few hobbies are essentially solitary activities (writing, reading, scrapbooking, pilates, yoga, and even exercising at the gym). I suppose I really do need to put myself in the social world more, participating in activities I am passionate about. Maybe only then will I meet someone who is passionate about the same things I am.

Maybe. I don’t know.

But even if so, I don’t plan on doing that right now.

Right now, I’m going to go back to doing what I do best–isolating myself in school, with my head buried in a textbook.  This is, in a strange way,  my respite, and I have relied on it most of my early adulthood–that is, until the last two years post-graduation where I became obsessed with the dating world. Well, I surrender. I will retrieve. And I will no longer actively pursue love. I’m hitting the brakes on this madness.

Perhaps I am not ending this blog where I intended, because I intended to close it on a happy ending, when I found love. But this is an ending nonetheless.

Somewhere out there –

October 10, 2011

I wish we’d find each other. I wish I could meet him. I wish I could stop wasting time and affection on men thinking they might be him and then being terribly disappointed. Every time my heart gets broken, I am not only sad about losing a ‘relationship’, but I’m even more scared that I will give up finding him, little by little. I’m scared of losing hope that he is out there looking for me too.

Jaded. So, so very jaded.

I hope we’ll find each other.

Mumbo Jumbo.

August 24, 2011

When I set out to try life on my own, I never knew it would be this difficult. I expected loneliness maybe, but I didn’t expect so many internal conflicts and tests of faith. Some days I question everything I thought I knew, myself as a person, and everyone around me. And many days I just feel so lost. I can’t seem to find my center of gravity.

Sigh. Times like this, I miss him. I miss having a best friend. Life isn’t making sense.

People ask. And I tell them I understand. That it’s all behind me. That I don’t miss him. That that’s just the way things are. And that I’m okay. Whatever. Promises are conditional, and I betrayed the conditions first, I guess.

On most days, I am convinced these are true.

But there are still moments I can’t help but feel hurt, bitter, and disappointed, even sometimes angry.  I called it quits on our relationship, sure, but I will forever defend that it was not a purely selfish act. I truly thought–and believe with stronger conviction today–that it would allow us both to have happier, more fulfilling lives. So why did this prompt broken promises and abandonment?

Perhaps because I was a terrible girlfriend, this is what I deserve. A karma sort of deal. I think that’s why I try so hard to push these negative emotions away– because most the time I don’t feel like I have the right to feel them.

It’s a battlefield in my mind too.

I got called for an Interview yesterday and one of my immediate thoughts as I hung up the phone was, not surprisingly so, to phone to tell him the news. This is of course what I’ve been doing the last 5 years of my life anytime anything like this happened. I wanted him to be happy for me. And then, truth be told, I wanted encouragement and support. As I prepare the presentation for this Interview, I’m extremely cognizant of the fact that at every roadblock I come to, he used to help me through them–even if only in moral/emotional support. To talk me through my self-defeating thoughts, you could say. I distinctly remember the last time I did this, he had helped me with it into the wee hours of the night also.

It wasn’t a romantic gesture, in my eyes. I would do it for good friends too. And yet, I know that even if we were still talking today, he wouldn’t want to play that role in my life anymore. And that’s okay because somewhere deep down, this is what I wanted when I ended our relationship; I wanted to be forced to do things on my own. I wanted to convince myself that I could be self-sufficient and independent. I didn’t want to need him. I don’t want to need anyone.

So here I go.