What happened?

March 7, 2017

E sent me a few photos of myself via text this evening–“selfies” that I had once sent her.  There were three snapshots: my grumpy unimpressed face as I studied in a tank top at the UVIC library; my naked back side when I was in the Garibaldi Lake; and me dressed up as a school girl for Halloween in 2014.

“I used to feel sexy”, I told her.

I barely remember the feeling.

I don’t know where it went.

I don’t know where many feelings and sentiments went–joy, passion, desire, enthusiasm, contentment, fulfillment, motivation, drive, purpose and meaning.

I look around me and it’s dark.  cold.  hard.  How deep is this barrel?  Or is it a well?  Like in the Sixth Sense.  Do I crawl out as a dead version of myself?  Do I crawl out or make it out, at all, ever?  Is there saving?  I can’t see the way out and I’m half afraid of what is out there.  What is next for me?


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