On togetherness.

July 9, 2016

When I created this blog, I intended to close it when I became attached–like, seriously attached, in a “long term” relationship–a steady and stable long-term relationship.

Well, here I am.  Married.  To VF.  For over a month now.

I feel both afraid and hesitant to shut down this site though.  I think it’s because I don’t feel like days “on my own” are over yet…especially with his ongoing clerkship year and his upcoming fourth year of rural rotations, possibly in (very) very remote far-away places. Add to this–who knows where residency will take him.

Or perhaps “on my own” days will never come to an end.  Perhaps it never does for anyone.  I don’t mean in an existential crisis kind of way; rather, I mean, maybe states of isolation/solitude go hand-in-hand with periods of togetherness.  I think Rilke got it right:

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“I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other” – Rainer Maria Rilke

It is, in part, because of this, that I think I will always feel the need to keep a part of myself “on my own”.  I will always want to claim some Friday nights home by myself while he is out with friends; I will sometimes prefer to skip boat rides to cook at home in the kitchen uninterrupted and unaccompanied, just as I did this afternoon.  I don’t feel that I am doing life on my own all the time, and sometimes when I do I resent it; however, I do value aspects of aloneness and I reckon it is important–for both V and myself, that parts of ourselves still have freedom to come and go, fluidly, lovingly, always.

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvellous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

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