Here I am again.

November 30, 2015

I write when times are challenging, when my resources are stretched, my mind feels chaotic and my heart is heavy.

The time is now.

I know V loves me very much and I know our relationship is very important to him.  I know right now he’s feeling unhappy and stressed out about the money he’s spent and the amount of studying he has left to do in the month ahead; and I know, above all, that it’s really easy to associate me with both the money and the time that’s lost.  I am, after all, a part of almost every experience and I have come to accept that these experiences, to him, can be wholly incredible or wholly regrettable depending on the perspective he chooses to take on any given day.

I remember when this happened in the past, as it has surely happened time and again, I would feel personally insulted and extremely hurt that he would see me as such a costly factor in his life, as if I contributed no value.  I would feel so sad–and so resentful– that he would undermine all the positive contributions I was sure I made–tangibly, emotionally, and in services.  I won’t lie, of course, I still feel somewhat insulted, hurt, and sad when this occurs.  I still feel anxious thinking about how this period will affect our relationship.

But at the same time, a wiser part of me knows that I need to have faith in what we’ve built.  I need to trust that he will work through the darker emotions himself, without my coaxing, in order to come back to me–to us.  And I need to be strong, be still as a rock and graceful as a dove.  Find the peace that’s somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart and hold on to it, nourish it, help it grow.

Don’t be bitter, D.  Don’t answer pain with anger.  Don’t run for shelter. Do not be shaken.  This is precisely when love must push through.

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